Derive Theory

Sara Oh okay that’s interesting…

Constance Well he’s pointing that way

He kinda is actually, he’s pointing up, up and sideways… so ,lets go up and sideways -Laugh turning into cough-

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Right, the Elephant’s being dismantled. And going in a pocket - actually can I stick him in your bag?

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So whereabouts in Dundee do you stay? Umm Just right next to the bus station? Ohh right okay down Seagate? Yeah yeah that’s it, down by the city centre, what about you? I’m at the Hub this year Is that Halls? Yeah it’s just down the back of campus I guess you kinda jut get up and roll over for lectures Well I would - If I didn’t stay at my boyfriends most night yeah And he lives down the other side of Law Hill Right okay So. -cough- as was the case this morning when I rolled up, like, drenched. Yeeaaaah. You even walk that far doesn’t it get a bit much? I got the bus this morning but even then it doesn’t… It got in late and even then I didn’t get off at the right stop. - sniff -

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Well he pointed up! We going up? Yeah he did point up… I might grab a hot drink first He looks thirsty.. He did look thirsty. What drink would Danny Devito get -laugh turning into cough-
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-muffled talking- Yeah Takeaway. Hi there Hi, Can I just get an Americano to take away. Is that a regular or a large size I’ll get a large And do you take any milk at all or just black? So that’s Two Ninety-nine then.

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You drawing Danny? I love Danny and he’s SO thirsty - I bought this pen yesterday. It better not be dying on me. Did you get it from the shop yeah… Think I’ve just had it upside down for too long

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You seeing anything in here?

Mmmmm

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What would Danny Devitos Tartan look like? It would be yellow for sure Ooh… would it be like a nice yellow or a nasty yellow? Like… Luminous Oh like Neon Yeah like Neon Like a Neon Jacket Yeah it would Hurt your eyes Oh okay, I rate that.

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You been to any workshops yet? um Nooooo. I was gonna go to one last week but then work clashed with it so They get filled up SO fast Yeah cus Mark told me to go to the clay one and it’s all booked and there’s like 8 peoples names underneath Yeaahhh! Like you can’t do that! It’s so unfair But I don’t know cus I went to the guy to get the clay and he was like have you don the inductions and I said I can’t get the space? And he was like uch you don’t need it anyway Maybe he’s talking about one of the ones you can do online? Mayyyybbeee Cause I know there’s a couple you can do online and you can just go up after that I think it’s also like ummm so long as someone else like does the firing for you, um- Do you want sugar with that Uh no thank you. Thank you Cheers It’s Fuckin massive. A big ‘ol boy. Okay

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Should we go up that hill? Yeah let’s go up that hill- Oh the pig I like that, it’s sweet. Not got enough hands that’s the problem. Community fridge. Hmm Do you think oil or soft pastels? You can try them both erm. Oh!

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S Did it work?

C Not really, but oh well.

S Okay.

S There we go - laugh - A very quick doodle of you, drawing on the wall.

S This is where our lecture tomorrow is?

C Is that a fine art lecture

S yeah..

C Yeah, I’m doing art and Philosophy

S oh no no I mean like the CAP speaker thing

C OH! Is there one tomorrow?

S Yeahh

C What?

S I’m Art and Philosophy too I’m in your lectures I messaged you on the groupchat

C Oh wait you’re in the fucking group chat - What am I talking about? It’s just cus every single person I spoke to is Fine Art

S Fine art yeah

C Yeah yeah yeah yeah What am I talking about

S I was thinking like of yeah yeah it’s fine most people are fine art and then I was like hold on a minute. But yeah I don’t think the lecture is entirely necessary but it’s meant to be pretty interesting.

C Wait what’s it about?

S So like they just get an artist who like actually does art to talk about their practice.

C Do we not get like… is it not gonna be like the staff tomorrow?

S To be fair I missed Monday’s lecture

C I’m pretty sure she said it was staff

S Right so where are we going?

C Well. Danny’s tartan is yellow.

S Handy’s Car wash is yellow?

C It is. Should we head for the car wash?

S I don’t know what your stance on this is but like I always cover themes of like um sort of like feminist things like feminist themes because I don’t know how to take, Cus I don’t know it’s weird to like - I don’t even know how to phrase it. I feel like doing it on things like race or things like that is a weird one unless you’ve had like an experience to base it on?

C Yeah it’s like a weird one to

S Kinda what Tina was going on about when you experience it you understand it

C Yeah

S And it’s like well my experience… I don’t know. Cus it’s such a big theme in todays society that you can’t ignore it.

C Yeah it’’s a lot easier to talk about womens issues when you are a woman and it’s a lot harder talking about race issues without coming across like a superiority. So…Shall we go up that way then?

S Yeah go on then

S That’s my GP!

C I’d like to do the BAHMS thing as well Did you see that?

S Ohhh I think I did

C The bronze medal thing?

S noo?

C A bit nervous - don’t know why I applied to do that

S wait so what is it?

C So it’s a competition (uh huh). There’s gonna be - I think there’s gonna be 10 people but 15 like apply from the uni and you just make a bronze casted medal and it can be anything you want? Like you can do whatever you want and they’re all gonna be sent away to be displayed in the exhibition and it’s gonna get judged and you get like prizes and stuff - It’s pretty cool!

S yeah!

C I was actually just going on about how I got like way too much to do and now I’ve gotta do that as well

S well I suppose it can give a bit of- There we go I’ve done a handy medal

C oh nice

S He’s not got a face so I can’t really reference it

C what is he a sponge?

S Yeah… but I don’t know what happened to his face so I’m just drawing

C Maybe we should try find a sponge… What did they do to him?

S I don’t know, they power washed him I guess? (Laugh)

C Let him retire!

S Yeah for real - laugh -

C There’s so many car washes in dundee there’s no way they’re legit

S And all the staff are underpaid. My dad, his first job here was like working a car wash and it was criminal it was like £2 an hour or something like that

C Hmmm yeah Like you never see cars in them, it’s raining all the time.

S that’s true actually. Feel like everyone just cleans their own car now

C hmm

C I wonder if we can find some things now like a sponge - or a face! His missing face!

S Oh okay we can find a replacement face for… handsy.

C yeah!

S I like this. But yeah no like the… nice.

S Umm (cough) we should’ve done ehh… Oh no you could use your bronze medal thing to kinda guide your art practice

C That’s what I was thinking. Y’know combines them a bit

S Two birds with one stone and all that

C I’ve got until the end of February

S Oh! Okay I’m guessing you’ve done the casting workshop then

C Yeah well mm I’ve not done the workshop yet. Like you didnae need any experience to do it I mean they’re gonna show us what to do anyway

S Are they expecting you to like send in a cast or..?

C Yeah! So you actually make it!

S So you actually make the bronze medal and send it in

C Yeah! Yeah so we’ll have to come up with our ideas and there’s a wee team in the uni that’s gonna help us like develop them properly and then we’ll have to go into the welding bit and like actually make it ourselves and send it away

S Oh. My god I can’t actually… No that’ll be good! I didn’t even know that was a thing so what’s like the prize for? Is it just like a… just for fun?

C Top prize is uh £1000, second prize is £500 and there’s loads of other little mini prizes and you can get like merits and stuff

S okay

C I still need to think about what I’d need to get I just thought it would be good for like portfolio stuff

S Yeah! yeah no even just to have that (yeah) Like a bronze medal you’ve casted in your first year of uni

C yeahhhh you see like just for jobs and stuff so… I’m making an effort to build up a portfolio

S Oh yeah that’s the thing I haven’t fucking even thought about that

C I mean I’ve got a website. It’s just a free website so it’s a little shite

S I’ve got a wee website like on the go as well but yeah I’ve not really done much

C Yeah I was like oh I’m gonna upload everything every week onto my website and I’ve not even touched it

S I’m thinking of having my weekly blog thing, I’m gonna upload that onto my website

…

C Well I’ve definitely never been here

S I’ve walked up past on the way up —wind— I say that as if I’ve went into the shop I did not go into the fkn… nerd shop at the top of the street but there is one (laugh into cough) There’s like D&D

C Which ones D&D?

—muffled—-

C I think I’d fancy it

S Yeah it sounds good but it’s like a lot of work, a lot of time. I don’t wanna be in a room full of like

—traffic wind etc. —

S Sorry I like the idea of a Spanish meal deal … Oh my god there’s another fucking pig can you see that?! On the doorstop (gasp) That guys probably thought I’ve taken a picture of him. It looks like it’s made of meat.

C Yeah I don’t wanna see that in a butchers *laugh*

S They’ve just had excess pig and made a doorstop from him

C Yeah if you want a bacon sandwich you’re (you’re gonna have to take it off the door first) just gonna slice into him. Do you eat meat?

S No

C Me neither

S I don’t even know why I said chips and cheese I don’t eat cheese either (laugh) It’s the thought, the thought of chips and cheese

C Mmm are you vegan?

S Not quite. Like I eat yoghurt because like certain kinds of dairy I’ve noticed like certain kinds of sugars in dairy I can handle other ones I really can’t - it’s weird

C No I’m the same

- TRAFFIC -

C Oh there’s a face!

S oh there is a face! There’s also a woman in the window - She’s also missing a face

C Yeah so there’s a face in there and she’s pointing up there

S She’s pointing up the road how about that

Man Alright how are we doin’

C Sorry?

M I said Alright how are we doin’

S Good!

C Fine thanks how are you?

M goood. Good…

S We’re going on a bit of a random walk (yeah?) art school stuff

M Ahhh so are you at DJCAD? (Yep) nice nice

S we’re kind of needing a direction to go

M a direction? Where have you been?

S We’ve just come from that road and we’re looking for the most random direction to go in

M What do you wanna see?

S It’s random

M Well I’m from round here… don’t go up that way. Shit hole. Don’t go that way

C Yeah?

M yeahhh.. go back that way towards town I guess

S Okay

C That way? You think so?

M Yeah that way it’s just council houses ahah

S Fair enough. Okay

C Thanks for your guidance!

S Kinda gutted now I wanted to see what was back there

C But wizard pointed us this way-

S sorry what did you just call him?

C The wizard

S The wizard I like that -I just gotta draw the wizards portrait real quick - can I still see him? No I cannot. Can you remember if he had a hat on? (What did you say?) Can you remember if he had a hat on?

C Nope. No he was bald I think or very little hair on top? A wee bit.. maybe (okay) His beard was curly

S His beard WAS curly. There we go I’ll give him a wizards hat like Gandalf (laugh)

C This is turning into a game of D&D!

S It kinda is! - There we go “That ways shite” (laugh)

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C So should we go that way orrr

S I mean I think he’s right I think it’s council houses but maybe there’s a direction from the council houses

-muffled-

C Oh yeah there’s the fire station! The wom- the girl in the window - she was holding fire!

S Oh you’re right! Gosh what a world of connections. Okay I don’t wanna hold us up with drawings but that will do *snigger* What a shit hand. I’m an art student.

C Wooow that’s like four and a half fingers there

S Yeah! I mean that’s kinda what we got. There we go! Now I’m just gonna make it Calcifer. There we go

S So what made you want to do art and philosophy over fine art

C ehhh I just didn’t really enjoy art history stuff when I was at school

S Fair

C eh I like learning about other artists and like it is important to learn about art movements and stuff but… well a couple years ago I just started listening to podcasts (Mm-mh) and I just got pulled into this philosophy podcast

S You do get some good ones actually

C Yeahh and I was just thinking this was so interesting like I mean it’s about nothing

S That’s true actually, I love how there’s just no wrong answers in it

C Yeah like it really is just the study of like nothing which I kinda like not out of laziness but I think I quite like seeing how other people see the world and it’s nice to be able to put that into words

S No that’s true like actually and it’s like - I’m trying to think - um I’ve always been interested in like having my own definitive point of view —Muffled— but like if I have got one then I’ll listen to someone else who’s got a different one because chances are they’re not all that different. But like not debating just having a conversat- Like my dad’s the worst he will- no matter what he will try to convert you to his opinion —muffled— and we’ll just chat about it and I’ll be like, I see it, i see your point of view but i don’t know

C Now see mine

S Yeah so I don’t know. He has got some quite radical points of view —muffled— and like it comes form where he lived and what kind of upbringing he had and what his family values were like —muffled—

C Yes very strange

— Muffled —

S yeah I like how when we do —muffled—  is like um but i like yeah I like looking at —muffled—  at what we’re doing

—muffled—

C I’ve been smurfed

S you’ve been smurfed - I’m gonna take a picture of your hands

C I’ve been smurfed

S You’ve been smurfed on (laugh) You see all the scooters they’re quite cool

C My friend has got a scooter and it keeps getting stolen (laugh Okay)

C I feel like we’re just following yellow

S I think Yellow is a theme now - there is a lot of yellow in this street actually. Oh my god there’s yellow in your hat! So much yellow in one picture

C That might be the largest rogue poop I’ve ever seen

S Oh there’s a poop on the large cone!

C That’s a very big poop

S I like to imagine it came from like a chihuahua

C I like to imagine it came from a human man

S Oh my go- honestly? Wouldn’t surprise me. A human man. That is not the shite of a woman

C If it was a woman shite it would be one straight log (fair)

S I was trying to explain to my manager that - because he was like oh the women’s bathrooms are always so much worse than the mens and I don’t know why

C Nooo

S Well bear in mind they like clean it every day like I’d say in the long run women’s stay nicer but in the short term? Apparently the Women’s get a lot worse

C You think so? I don’t know. Maybe. Where do you work? Did you say that was at your work?

S Yeah so I work at the Newport restaurant so over the other side. It’s like a boujie, a boujie little restaurant

C I did some cat sitting over in Newport

S Oh did you?

C Yeah just for a couple nights. It was quite nice

S It is a nice wee area, pain in the ass to get to but it’s nice

C Yeah well I’ve got a car

S Oh yeah fair

C It’s nice at night time when you’re over there looking over here

S Yeah that’s the thing the view is. Even though Newport is a nicer area arguably - there’s a salt bin up the road as well. But saying that, the reason we got onto that conversation is because there was a man. To be fair it was a man who used the men’s bathroom. Vomited from one end of the bathroom to the other (laugh)

C What? Like projectile?

S Yeah

C Nooo. That’s impressive

S No it honestly was it, either that or he spewed so hard onto like he didn’t even get a chance to open the lid

C oh my god

S but they think he vomited so hard it just sprayed onto the walls? Either way it was very impressive

C Wait so it’s a restaurant. Not like a club

S Noooo. It’s fine dining

C It’s fine dining? Then why are the toilets a state?

S ehh… I mean we keep them clean but they do get bad and my theory is like I didn’t even know women’s get worse em but my theory is like

C See we could go up here, oh it’s a dead end

S That’s someone’s house. Oh there’s something interesting here though- that’s the grit bin - in here look. Little circle. Like a big crop circle. I can see some rituals happening in this

C It’s like alieny

S yeah I like it though

C Like a UFO or… Ooh look at that car

S huh! Oddballs isn’t that like, an underwear company? I’m sure it is. Should we go see the car and see what’s on the car?

C yeah

S Is that the uni? No that’s not the uni. Oh it’s like the primary school

C Oh yeah yeah yeah

S I didn’t realise how far we’d come

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C Are they hanging bird feeders off that basketball hoop? (Laugh)

S Poor birds just like clonked every time

C Yeah what the hell! Some birds get owned when they’re just sitting trying to eat

S That’s how you get a masochist just like really good at basketball

C What a shitty fucking idea

S nice

C So we started following yellow because we went to a coffee shop and decided Danny Devito’s tartan would be yellow

S And you know what’s interesting? My summer project was on the yellow wallpaper (gasp)

C What’s that? Aw Because it makes you uncomfortable?

S  Em? What?

C So the colour yellow is supposed to make people uncomfortable

S well its also like its meant to be like a lot of people see it as a happy colour

C yeah yeah yeah, it is yeah yeah people do see it as a happy colour but people use it in like, I can’t remember who told me, someone was studying like child psychology and they said that they paint the walls in the nursery yellow because it does something to their brain, something like it keeps them active or something

S Oh I don’t know.. I mean yeah it’s meant to be like an energy thing isn’t it, yeah it is oddballs it’s the underwear company

C What is it?

S Underwear they do like boxers

C oh!

S I mean that might be… If we can steal some boxers. Clean ideally. Oh that’s quite sad that little… yeah

C The bike? Mh there’s electricity wires over there. Oh there’re so loud

S For real like can you imagine living here. I don’t know how you draw a basketball. probably should have figured that out. That’s my bird getting owned.

C Yeah! That’s right, maybe a line across there like going the other way

S which way?

C Like curved like that

S Like that? Ohh you’re right

C mmm ahah you’ve done the bird getting dunked on that’s funny

S He’s fucking dead

C I don’t know if we can go up that way

S We can see? I’m gonna… Take a wee picture of that though…

The rest is lost to the test of time (and a lack of knowledge of basic technology)